My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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