I'm more disturbed when people expect me to be serious.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
Health food makes me sick.
I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.
I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.
I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.
The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.
Getting a tattoo would probably make me cry.
When it comes to rapacious 19th century capitalism, my family's hands are clean.
If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny.
When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere.
We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page.
You know, I used to say, when people say, 'How do you think about what to write about in the poems every week?' And I say, 'Well, I have to turn it in on Monday, so on Sunday nights I turn the shower to iambic pentameter and it sort of works out that way.'
When you're writing, you are robbed of your delivery.
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