I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.
Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.
We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.
The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.
We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.
My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.
Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.
Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!
To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.
My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!
Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.
You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.
And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.
Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!
Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?
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