I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello', 'goodbye', and 'I'm pregnant'.
There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
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