My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
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