There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
Always do whatever's next.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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