Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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