I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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