They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
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