My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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