My life needs editing.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.
I'm a radical, and I always have been.
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