When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.
I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
For un-subscribe please check the mail footer.