If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.
I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.
I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.
When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.
The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.
The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.
I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.
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