And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
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