I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.
Another fine mess you've gotten me into.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!
Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.
If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
What business do we have telling people who to vote for? They probably know more about it than we do.
A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.
I don't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with Charles Chaplin.
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