So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Velcro: what a rip-off.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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