I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'