Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.